ON FAMILY || A Key Lesson I Learned about Building Relationships with Children
While I can’t say I’m qualified to share any sort of parenting advice (I do not have children), what I can share is a key lesson I learned in the role of the cool aunt.
Over the past seven years, I’ve developed a really close relationship with my niece. To give you a bit of context in terms of what I am defining as ‘a close relationship’, I see her 3 to 4 days per week, and when she was a baby I used to bathe her, tend to her when she was sick, and I know this would sound graphic — have caught her baby exorcist-style vomit with my bare hands.
When I reflect on how we’ve been able to build our bond, I realize that there is a key lesson I learned that might be helpful to new parents (or those of who you want to be the cool aunt or uncle). If you’ve heard about the five languages of love, they are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts.
Ever since my niece was a baby, we have spent a significant amount of quality time together, and this beats what I see most parents doing nowadays, which is showering their kids with toys and gifts. I’ve seen parents use toys as a bad form of conditioning, for example, when they say, “if you be good during lunch then we’ll go get the stuffed toy after lunch”. In other cases, when you go to a restaurant, parents are chatting away or on their own phones while their kids are playing on their iPads. Needless to say, that’s not quality time.
You can buy your kids all the paint and crafting tools in the world, but I can bet that they would love it if you were to help them build the fort together.
Here’s what my niece and I do on a regular basis when we ‘hang out’:
Make things out of playdough and kinetic sand.
Draw, paint, and craft.
Head to her school playground (and actually play the monkey bars or the slides with her).
Build a fort, watch a movie together.
Have dinner together and talk about our day.
I’m not saying that these activities are the exact things that you should do; my niece happens to love art and crafting, so that’s what we do. If you’re spending time with your little ones but you’re on your phone all the time while your kid (or niece, nephew) is playing by themselves, that’s not quality time; at best I would classify that as babysitting. You have to be present and engaged in the activity in order for you guys to bond.
When you take your kids to the park, do you sit on the bench while they run around on the playground by themselves while you’re on your phone? That’s babysitting instead of bonding. Get up, be present, and play with them!
If this is clear enough, let’s walk through an example.
It’s your 5-year-old nephew’s birthday, you get him the two Avengers toys that he wanted, and he’s really happy when he unwraps his present. You stay in the living room to catch up with your family and notice that your nephew is playing with his new toys on the staircase by himself. What do you do?
There’s no right or wrong answer, but what I’ve found is that kids love it when you engage them in play. Ask them if you can play the other character, and have them tell you about which one is their favourite, what kind of ‘moves’ each character has, etc. Just like how you want to be heard, and how you enjoy sharing your passions and hobbies with other people who ask about them, children also like it when they feel seen and heard.
I was fortunate in that I was able to take part in my niece’s life since she was little, and if you have an opportunity to do so, start building the relationship when they are young. I also have a niece and nephew who are slightly older, but because I didn’t get to see them while they were young, it’s obvious that our relationship is distant in comparison to my relationship with my younger niece. Building a relationship with your children isn’t something you can suddenly jump in and do when they’re all grown up. Even thought children are young, they have the observational skills to understand consistent behaviour. If you always make time to be with them even if you have a super busy day while they’re babies, they will still recognize you as they grow older.
Is a strong foundation for a lifelong relationship with your children worth the thirty minutes of dedicated playtime you spend with them every day? It’s time to turn off Netflix, put the phone down, and pick up their toys!
